FDR used the line in his 1st inaugural address. Seems fairly apt for how I have been feeling in recent days. Monday was a particular low: not sure what triggered it, but the 20 minutes from leaving work, to stopping at the supermarket, and getting home sent me rapidly downhill, and triggered a long cry. Maybe I have developed a deep-rooted fear of the fresh produce section. Fear is something I have not had to contend with much, if ever, in my life: my upbringing was mundane, sheltered and middle-class. My university and working life has, with minimal exceptions, been fairly good. I have a loving wife, a devoted dog, and great family (both my own, and my in-laws) and friends. But, now I also have cancer. It is the last one that is casting the dark shadow. It is now a fortnight since the news, and my head has been a cement mixer at times. But, over time I hope things settle down to some degree.
This week my wife brought home a book she had been given, titled something like "Cooking For Cancer" (which did make me think of this). Basically the science of nutrition and illness, a number of recipes, and at the back a list of the things you should be eating, and the things you should consign to the dustbin. It probably comes as no surprise that in the "Best" section was leafy greens, oily fish, fruits, beans, lentils, and down the bottom was pizza, bacon, sugar, and doughnuts. Beer, spirits and white wine all got Worst to Poor rankings. Red wine scraped the whole way to Fair. So, at least the odd glass of Malbec to accompany the endless meal times dominated by broccoli. It is only these past 2 weeks, as we have tried to eat well, that I realise what crap I had previously been consuming. Was depressing to see that coffee (which I love) gets a down-vote, but tea (which I dislike), particularly green tea (which I really dislike) gets an up-vote.
Tuesday night my wife suggested something positive: in the coming year, once a month (subject to my general condition, and any treatment) we should go tick off one of the many things on our "to do (but never really get done) list". I have been lucky enough to have travelled all over the world. However there are a host of places I still want to see. Clearly progress on my treatment, indeed where I end up getting treated, will impact these plans, but something to look forward to, nonetheless.
My mid-morning coffee shop visit on Wednesday was another sign of things changing: I switched from my normal order of regular coffee or skinny latte to a green tea and mango infusion. My colleague got stuck into a latte and a croissant as I stared glumly into my pot of insipid green-ness. Still, as with everything else, and as mentioned before, needs must.
That afternoon after I got back from lunch, I spotted an email from a client contact. Some person I have never met, spoken to maybe less than 10 times in 7 years, and who I basically know by an email address. He had been told of my condition, had read this blog, and had reached out by email, sharing a story of how cancer had touched his own family, and offering support. It was a lovely act from someone who wouldn't know me from Adam if I walked past him in the street. Unsurprisingly it set me off. Again.